answers

Thursday, November 21st was supposed to be my day.

I said my morning prayer and danced around my room; Thursday was my day.
I curled my hair and put on my favorite lipstick; Thursday was my day.

Thursday was the day I went to see Dr. Ryan VanMoorlehem, a Endodontist specialist.

Since this face pain I wrote about in my earlier posts was a complete mystery, my patient dentist referred me to an Endodontist-- a doctor who specializes in the study and treatment of dental pulp.

The drive was exhilarating. 
He would tell me exactly what is wrong.
He would know.
Somebody, at last, would know.

As we pulled up to the Endodontist Suite, I wanted to burst out of the car and 
throw myself into this Doctor's arms. I wanted him to tell me he has seen this a MILLION times. I wanted him to take it away.

Dr. VanMoorlehem is absolutely wonderful.

He laid me down and carefully examined the teeth where the pain originated from.

As soon as I opened my mouth for him to take a look,
something in my heart said
"today is not the day."

A muffled sigh came from this throat.
"I cannot see anything. Your teeth and gums look incredibly healthy."
He looked over the multiple x-rays carefully. Nothing.
Nothing, nothing, nothing.
I had been daydreaming about the moment where I would skip 
out of the office with the answers. Why am I not skipping? 

Dr. VanMoorlehem believes I may have Trigeminal Neuraligia.

Tri whaty what? Come again?

Trigeminal Nueraligia. 
The Trigeminal nerve is the biggest facial nerve.
The left side of my face can at times be unbearable to move.
Eating is a burden.
Talking is a struggle.
I sleep sitting up; laying down is not an option.

Dr. VanMoorlehem referred me to a neurologist--a doctor who specializes in nerves.

As we drove away, my parents gave me encouraging words. 
To not lose the faith, that it would be okay, that this was only temporary.
I could not help but let the hot, silent tears stream down my face.

The answers I do have: 
the pain has nothing to do with my teeth.

I do not have all the answers right now.
And as frustrating and heartbreaking as it is, it is okay.
I believe the Lord gave me this trial to humble me. 
To make me grateful for the littlest things, such as smiling and talking.

I will firmly stand by His side.
I do not have all the answers; He does.

pinky promise

Oh Great God, Be small enough to hear me now.

In the short years I have lived, I have sinned greatly.

In the short years I have lived, I have been rescued significantly. 

He has healed my heartaches.

He has stayed up with me all night, listening to my cries.

He has healed me.

Repentance is not always easy.

It can be embarrassing, awkward, or uncomfortable.

But once you understand what is truly important,

the snide remarks and smirks thrown your way will not matter.

Our Heavenly Father rejoices for you.

He wants nothing more but for you to come back..

And you can! It is possible! I pinky promise.

Let Him heal your wounds. Let Him mend you.

He is beautiful, He is good, He is always there.

love you lots

My father has a booming singing voice.

When I was younger, I would always cringe or shrink down in the church 

bench because my father sang so loudly. 

He has a thick accent and would sometimes slur the words together. Loudly.

He served as a Spanish Branch President for about 6 years, and from the stand

I could still hear his thunderous voice.

This past Sunday, I got to sit by my father at church.

The organist sweetly played the introduction to the first hymn, and 

the booms from my father began.

But this time, there was no cringing.

This time, there was no shrinking down in the bench.

I sat tall, I sat proudly.

First: I am grateful for my father's strident voice. 

That means I can hear.

Second: I am grateful for the children in the surrounding benches 

who turn to look at my father. 

That means they can hear too.

Third: I am grateful my father comes to church.

He always stands as Christ would, and it is the greatest gift my father could ever give me.

His humor is incredibly dry and cheesy, and he laughs at his own jokes.

He makes the best hashbrowns. He makes up his own songs. He abundantly provides.

And I love him lots. 

I do, I do, I do.

she is great, she is good

                                                     This is Lexi. Lexi Raquel Topham.
                                                                 And she is graceful
                                                                       and fierce
                                                                       and lovely.

Christ radiates through her sweet countenance, and she stands as He would, always.

She is humble in all she does, in all she says. 

Oh, and let me add, she is a Christmas FANATIC. 

Ask her how many days until Christmas, and she will tell you--and even if you don't ask, she will still tell you.

Your whole life you are told to find good friends. 

It is what your mother desires most for you,

it is what you desire most,

it is what Heavenly Father desires most.

The people you surround yourself with speaks VOLUMES about you.

Not only that, but it shows where your heart is.

Will you take that sip of that beer bottle everyone is passing around?

Will you laugh at that crude joke just to blend in?

And what a blessing it is to know people who would speak up and walk away from those crowds. What a blessing it is to know Lexi.

She is great. She is good. She is a lovely daughter of God.

And she knows it, and so does everyone around her.

don't you dare

The very first sentence of our Young Women theme reads: 

"We are daughters of our Heavenly Father

who loves us, and we love Him."

I am a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father.

YOU are a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father.

What profound power we have when we understand 

that we are His.

We are His.

Last Tuesday, yesterday, tomorrow and forever.

We are His.

And there is absolutely nothing we cannot conquer when we have Him on our side. He is always rooting for us.

We are precious and pure and sweet, so don't you dare settle.

Don't you dare.

Find yourself a dapper chap who adores your dimples and kisses that nose you are self conscious about.

Find yourself good friends who fill your heart with hope.

Find yourself, find Him.

Follow the divine directions the Lord has given us.

Trust in Heavenly Father. Trust Him enough to follow His plan.

Oh, and don't you dare ever settle.

Healer

Know who you are.
Know who you belong to.

On days where the world is hustling and bustling right before me,
there is no place i'd rather be than 
on
my
knees.

He is my Superhero. He is my Healer, my Best Friend who keeps all of my secrets.
And he can be your Superhero, your Healer, your Secret Keeper too, -if you let Him in.

I promise you that when you let Him in, the load you carry on your strained back will be made light. It will. And what a glorious feeling it is to drop that load and stand tall. 

Trust in God and hold on to His love.
I will always serve Him, because every day He serves me.

I will be prepared

You attract exactly what you posses.

I do not have it all.
I make mistakes, I have much to learn.
But I try.

One day, I will be a Mother in Zion to my sweet children.
I want to be super-mom; especially spiritually.
One day, I will be a wife to a striking young man.
He will need me to be spiritually prepared. Will I be?

Of course.

The time to prepare is now.

You attract exactly what you posses.
Make sure it is lovely.

tonight i am grateful

tonight i am grateful.
i'm grateful for my sweet parents who endlessly provide.
i'm grateful for my best friend who is serving an LDS mission.
and I am so grateful to say that I am loved.
I am so loved.

Let me go on.

About two months ago, I had an incredibly sensitive bottom front tooth. I went in to the dentist, absolutely positive it was a cavity. But it wasn't. x rays were clear, and the "mystery tooth" went on for the next month. X ray after x ray, appointment after appointment- nothing. Not only was it a terribly sensitive tooth, but it was getting harder to move my jaw, and the left side of my face was on fire. My left ear joined the party and throbbed into the endless hours of the night. I could not lie down to sleep; I spent a couple nights either falling asleep in an upright position leaning against my headboard, or not sleeping at all.

It was terribly frightening for me, but probably even more for my sweet parents. About two Sundays ago, my father gave me a blessing. I felt his shaky hands, along with the Bishops placed on my head, and as my father wept, I couldn't help but weep along with him. In that instant, I felt the love from my earthly father so strongly. I also felt the love of my Heavenly Father as well. 

I am loved.

Before I go on, I have to introduce the Smith's. I was so fortunate to date Zachary, and fall in love with his family. His mother Jacki is an angel; she freely gives and expects nothing in return. His father Alan is a doctor, and is so selfless as well. They are all I ever hope to be.

A couple minutes after I received my blessing, I texted Jacki and asked her if they had any medication. My cupboards were empty. Immediately, she told me to make my way over, and they would have it ready for me. 

I cannot help but cry as I continue with this story.

I drove over in excruciating pain. I had bags underneath my eyes from loss of sleep from the previous night. I was in clothes i wore the day before, and I was drained. I walked to their front porch and knocked on the door. As I heard it open, I found Alan smiling at me.

"Well hello my little princess!"

Hearing those words almost brought me to cry out sobs. Me, a princess? Me, with dirty clothes and dark bags under my eyes, a princess? 

I am loved.

I did receive medication. not only that, but a plateful of Jacki's homemade muffins, and a birthday gift. (my birthday was earlier that week) 

I came to their house empty handed, with a breaking heart.

As I walked to my car with all that I had just received, I cried like a child as I looked at my arms. They were full, just like my heart.

I am loved. I am so loved.

Tonight, I went into the doctors office to have Alan see what could possibly be wrong. My lovely mother came along with me. as we arrived, I saw that Jacki was there too. as Alan gave me instructions, I looked around the room. my mother and Jacki sat next to each other, and I had Alan standing in front of me. I courageously held back tears. the room was full of people I most cherish. they were all there for me. I've said it about 5 times now, and i will say it again.

I am loved.